Mediation Case Study: Heidi and Lauren

EU Mediation's case studies aim to explore the types of disputes that mediation can work well for. They are all based on real-life cases that our mediators have carried out.

This entry, which features Heidi and Lauren* looks at the type of intra-family conflict that can be resolved with the use of interpersonal mediation.

* Names have been changed for confidentiality and privacy purposes.


The Backstory

Lauren’s one-year-old daughter is growing fast and, apart from seeing her a couple of times on Zoom, her grandmother Heidi has yet to actually set eyes on her.

There was a major fall-out at Lauren’s wedding and reception 18 months ago when, according to Lauren, her mother ‘…tried to completely take over’, sidelining everyone else’s wishes, alienating Lauren’s husband’s family, and generally creating a very tense and difficult atmosphere. Heidi’s take on this was that she felt that she had been left out of the arrangements by Lauren’s husband and his family, and wanted to ‘…at least have some say’ in how the day went.

There had been conflict between Heidi and her daughter long before Lauren even left her native Switzerland to move to Sweden for work. Lauren’s childhood was ‘difficult’, as she puts it, with a sense that Heidi was very domineering with her and her sisters, and they were never allowed much freedom to be themselves or to live their lives just as they wanted. Lauren moved out of the family home at 16, as soon as she was able to go it alone.

Lauren’s stepdad, Noah, approached EU Mediation to see if there was some way we could help to build a bridge between his wife and daughter. Noah was ‘…sick to death’ of being caught in the middle of their conflict, and wanted to try and patch things up somehow while Lauren’s daughter was still young.


The Mediation

Mediation took place online over the course of an initial day, with the mediator holding individual sessions with Heidi and Lauren in the morning, and then getting them together in the afternoon.

From Lauren’s point of view, the wedding incident was just symptomatic of how she felt Heidi tried always to get over-involved in Lauren’s life. Lauren wanted mum to see her as a grown-up: she did not want advice and guidance from mum all the time, and wanted her privacy and autonomy respected. Lauren had felt the need to keep mum at arm’s length regarding the wedding arrangements, or she would, in Lauren’s words ‘…have completely taken over’.

Heidi felt that, yes, the wedding was a typical example of where she was cut out of all the fun aspects of Lauren’s life; she was not allowed to join in with the preparation and planning to the same extent as others, and generally felt excluded. Heidi knows she behaved poorly at the reception, but she was feeling angry and upset that, in her eyes, she was ‘…being treated like an outsider’. She now felt desperate to become part of Lauren and her baby’s life, and would do anything to be welcomed in by Lauren.


The Conclusion

The two reached an agreement about how Heidi could get to spend some time with Lauren and her family, but within some well-defined boundaries. They agreed to an initial visit to Sweden, accompanied by stepdad, and to have weekly Zoom calls. Lauren, however, wanted to ensure that mum would not start to judge or lecture her about better parenting or about how to bring up her daughter. Heidi agreed to try and avoid becoming too overbearing or intrusive, but asked Lauren to give her some leeway, as she sometimes felt that she could get carried away and want to advise or instruct Lauren more than she would want to be advised or guided. Stepdad was asked to oversee the agreement, and to support Heidi to stay within the agreed boundaries.

At the standard six-week post-mediation check-in, things were progressing well with the two of them. There had been one or two ‘hiccups’, according to Lauren, but she felt that, as long as the contact could remain under control and be limited for now, that they could navigate their own way through any future challenges, and ensure that Heidi could now start to build a relationship with her granddaughter. 


Get in touch

If you have a similar issue within your family, or if you would like some advice on whether mediation would be suitable, please get in touch with our team on hello@eumediation.net. Alternatively, you can submit a contact form here.